Too Many Secrets

We've been obsessed with codes for the past few weeks. There's been talk of code-breakers, patterns, ciphers, keys, hidden messages, riddles, enigmas, cryptography, cryptology, crypto-zoology, sasquat-chology, wendigology, Wendy Os, Wendy O Williamses, William F Buckleyses, F Murray Abrahameses, Abraham and Isaaceseses. Check the archives - it's all in there, couched in terms too... cryptic to comprehend.

So this week, we're going to focus on one of the hard working cipher-grunts here at DemoWAR HQ. He sits in the basement all day and night, using a Drogen's decoder wheel to decode static-filled triple-scrambled microwave transmissions between two soldiers talking in Mandarin Chinese. I'm referring, of course, to Acting-Ensign Rollie Hatch, code-crackologist extraordinaire and mastermind of Beauty and the RoBeast, a compendium of logic so dense and layered that it makes Godel, Escher and Bach look like a street-preacher's pamphlet.

Hatch's application sits on my desk as we speak,the ink still drying on his barely-legible blue-book essay questions. Well, crayon, I guess you would call it.

The handwriting is abominable, but his prose is stunning.

His first submission is revelatory; a breath of fresh air in these times of cultural whitewash. And taking into account the long, hard hours that Hatch puts in, I'll overlook the fact that it was clearly completed with the help of company time and resources. (disclaimer: I am not planning to overlook this.)

Get_Out.mp3

And listen to the original here: FNM_Get_Out.MP3

Stand clear of the closing jaws.

Know it sounds funny...

...but Joe just can't stand the pain....
This week we bring you the third in Joe's continuing series of embarrassingly-dated album art. Lionel Richie's contributed Easy to the fifth Commodores record, and it served as the linchpin between their era of space-jam funk supremacy and the new wave* of easy-listening, 1980s superhits. And come on, this record cover looks just like every Chicago album.

Delta 417 to Air Traffic Control... Are you seeing this?

*apologies to The Eurythmics.

And for those of you thinking what I know you're thinking... Joe has clearly omitted the "ewwww!" going into the solo, narrowly avoiding a Cover-of-a-Cover paradox the results of which could start a chain reaction that would unravel the very fabric of the space time continuum, destroying the entire universe!**

Right-click to download: Easy.mp3

Click here for the original by The Commodores or the cover by Faith No More.

Don't believe the rhinos - this is not a Faith No More cover.

Seems to me, Joe, you know Joe's done all Joe can. I can do this ALL DAY, people. I'll substitute proper names for nouns and pronouns for the rest of this post.

Joe wanna be free to know the things Joe do are right.

Hm. That didn't work as well as planned. You've got to admit, though, it's better than thinking about this:
"Joe's a brick----house... He's mighty might-ah! Joe's lettin' it all hang out..."

**Granted, that's a worse case scenario. The destruction might in fact be very localized, limited to our own galaxy.

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note: I've changed the links on this post to direct to the itunes store. In my experience, the Amazon MP3 store is a better service in that it has higher bitrates, is browser-based, and (most importantly) doesn't use any kind of DRM. But then again, these tracks weren't available at Amazon, so there's a plus mark in the iTunes column for ya. Yay, capitalism.