Friday, October 10, 2008

Neck Store

This is John Paul Jones. He was in a band once, you might have heard of them. And now he's playing multi-necked hybrid-trons at events like 2008's "Mano-A-Mando" Mandolin Fest. Why? Good question. Let's look at some of the most common reasons for using a double (or triple-) neck guitar:

1) Lower back pain not quite excruciating enough.
2) "Roadie" cousin needs something to carry so he can get into show.
3) Currently outclassed in onstage guitar-joust matches.
4) Need extra notes for that one part in High Enough solo.
5) You are this man:
"I bet John will steal this idea in 30 years, the wanker."

And really that's about it. If you're considering investing in a double-neck guitar, do everyone a favor and follow this handy little flowchart to see if you are eligible. Remember, the worst thing you can do in this situation is look like you're trying too hard.

12-neck guitars are a different beast, however. Everyone gets a pass. If you'd like, I can just wait here while you all run down to the store to pick one up. Bring a friend—they're pretty heavy!

Hmm, I was kind of hoping for sea-foam green?

All that wood... just think of the resonance. You could pluck a note on N01_S05_F12* and by the time you got down to N08_S02_F05*, that first note is still ringing. Think about the lovely harmonies you'll be able to create, currently unattainable in today's sad state of guitar fret technology.

The downside, of course, is that a stray pinch-harmonic could level a city block.

"Stand back everyone, this pick is loaded."

Sadly, this guitar is just an art project, not a production unit. It's a shame, really, because according to Unwieldyguitaripedia, there are exactly twelve alternate tunings for rock music. (And that doesn't even include DADGAD. Stop the presses, we need another neck!) This thing could be the equivalent of the chromatic harmonica for the rock/folk/blues world. Capos? Throw 'em out. I've had it up to here with your freakin' capos.

So what if it's fifty bucks every time you restring it, this guitar pays for itself in no time with its decidedly-decreased strap budget! It's like a bicycle-built-for... well, I suppose it could get a little cramped back there, but get eleven friends together and you have one hell of a bonding experience!

Thanks to Acting-Ensign Grosz for bringing this to our attention. More of the host gallery's exhibits are available here: Vvork

*In the interest of time, we've used Planck's "Neck_String_Fret" annotation system, or "NuhStruhFroh."


Joe said...

great Michael Angelo Batio link, but I'm about to go double or nothing.

General Dowd said...

Damn you, Boyle! And you've prevented a one-up. The only thing I can do is strafe sideways: