Technology: The Future is NOW

Gather round, troops. It's time for our Biannual FutureTown Round-Up. (of the future!) Technically this is the first one, but with my new future-seeing abilities, I anticipate another one in the near, ah... future. I've been meaning to start some new traditions around here, anyway. So Biannual it is!

Now please join me in taking a moment to honor these innovators who, for lack of a day job, pushed the envelope in musical development. (of the future!) Technology pioneers who not only lived on the edge, but promptly fell off of it. These instruments are lovingly crafted, and recently fangled. Click through the photos for Wired's original article.

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1. Overtone Violin (of the future!)

Dear Overtone Violin, I stumbled upon your eHarmony profile, and I must say...you had me at "Sonar Sensor." Also, again at Sonar Sensor 2. But then Button Matrix? Video Camera? Bottom Control? I think we're moving a little fast here.


Plus, I'm a bit concerned about this "tech-sessory fetish" you mention, illustrated by your fingerless lycra glove. With velcro. And some sort of USB cable just kind of tacked on there. I know Lawnmower Man. And you, sir, are no Lawnmower Man.

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#2: Boing Boing (of the future!)

This litle gizmo is described as:

"...producing sounds such as bounces, collisions, trembles, shudders and shakes."

Sounds like Scott Weiland is out of rehab again. Heeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyy*

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#3: Beamz (of the future!)

Immediately, points lost for including a "Z" in an attempt to tug on our futuristic laser-strings. Secondly, Laser Strings! Lastly, it's a clear patent infringment on Nintendo's U-Force from 1989 (and yes, I looked that up, but it was a mere formality.)

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So that's it. Buy one of these crazy gadgets, then break it and see what oozes out. My guess? Very little magic.

*yo.

Neck Store

This is John Paul Jones. He was in a band once, you might have heard of them. And now he's playing multi-necked hybrid-trons at events like 2008's "Mano-A-Mando" Mandolin Fest. Why? Good question. Let's look at some of the most common reasons for using a double (or triple-) neck guitar:

1) Lower back pain not quite excruciating enough.
2) "Roadie" cousin needs something to carry so he can get into show.
3) Currently outclassed in onstage guitar-joust matches.
4) Need extra notes for that one part in High Enough solo.
5) You are this man:

"I bet John will steal this idea in 30 years, the wanker."

And really that's about it. If you're considering investing in a double-neck guitar, do everyone a favor and follow this handy little flowchart to see if you are eligible. Remember, the worst thing you can do in this situation is look like you're trying too hard.

12-neck guitars are a different beast, however. Everyone gets a pass. If you'd like, I can just wait here while you all run down to the store to pick one up. Bring a friend—they're pretty heavy!

Hmm, I was kind of hoping for sea-foam green?

All that wood... just think of the resonance. You could pluck a note on N01_S05_F12* and by the time you got down to N08_S02_F05*, that first note is still ringing. Think about the lovely harmonies you'll be able to create, currently unattainable in today's sad state of guitar fret technology.

The downside, of course, is that a stray pinch-harmonic could level a city block.

"Stand back everyone, this pick is loaded."

Sadly, this guitar is just an art project, not a production unit. It's a shame, really, because according to Unwieldyguitaripedia, there are exactly twelve alternate tunings for rock music. (And that doesn't even include DADGAD. Stop the presses, we need another neck!) This thing could be the equivalent of the chromatic harmonica for the rock/folk/blues world. Capos? Throw 'em out. I've had it up to here with your freakin' capos.

So what if it's fifty bucks every time you restring it, this guitar pays for itself in no time with its decidedly-decreased strap budget! It's like a bicycle-built-for... well, I suppose it could get a little cramped back there, but get eleven friends together and you have one hell of a bonding experience!

Thanks to Acting-Ensign Grosz for bringing this to our attention. More of the host gallery's exhibits are available here: Vvork

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*In the interest of time, we've used Planck's "Neck_String_Fret" annotation system, or "NuhStruhFroh."

Plastic Guitar UPDATE

Okay, this "Update" thing is not going to become a habit. This space is reserved for recorded music and the practitioners thereof, and is not going to become a bastion for clicka-clicka-clicka-ing kids who wouldn't know a whammy bar from a whammy pedal.

Except sometimes things are too ridiculous to ignore.
Girly guitars. Pox on our fair nation, or a mere embarrassing offense? Wait - it sounds like we can have both on this one. And these are plastic girly guitars, so they don't even have the saving grace of making real music. These are new Guitar Hero/Rock Band guitars from these idiots, and like everything else made for little girls in a little guy's world, they are hideous.

Now I know some things about girls. I know two things about them, in fact, and here they are:

1. Girls like pink
2. Girls like other things, too.

That's the intel I'm working with, and they both seem like pretty iron-clad assumptions. Now the problem with marketing people (and video game marketers in particular,) is that they've lost the second half of the list. They assume that girls only like girly things , and that's dangerous. I'll take a second to illustrate by showing you the opposite end of the spectrum.

Behold: the pinnacle of Mantastic Enterprise's demographic research. What stands before you is the toughest, manliest, race-car driving-est, tire-squealing-est, rockin-est, humbucking-est piece of badassery ever assembled. Yes sir, you can shift gears mid-solo, and it's even got a speedometer so you can see how fast you're SHREDDING! Lost your place in a song, you say? No problem - just use the handy, color-coded notes inlaid on the fretboard. Or better yet, distract the crowd with plumes of exhaust from the set of scorching-hot chrome pipes!

Actually, do you know where I could get one of these?

Exactly. Even Ace Frehley would be offended. Part of the problem is that girls are multi-faceted and toy companies forget that. Despite enjoying a variety of things—like the humans they are—they keep getting fed the same old pink/purple/teardrop/heart-shaped bullshit by executives who think it's what they want.

I've seen women in the DemoWAR army wearing pink, only it's been scuffed, scratched, and smeared with space dust from whatever moon their battle took place on that week. Either that, or they've liberally applied a paint called Foe Spludge™, this rudimentary paste made from the jugulal spray of a downed opponent and whatever indigenous berries they can find. It's your basic intimidation tactic, like a Vietnam Ear Necklace or a picket fence topped with trick-or-treaters' heads. Even then, as far as pinks go Spludge is more of an mulberry than say....fuchsia.


But really, what do you think is really going to encourage young girls to play guitar and be bigger and badder than their predecessors?

This?

Or THIS:

For the record, there is only one "Girly Guitar" that is allowed here at DemoWAR HQ. And if your stomach feels especially strong after that, the full, genderly-embarrassing girly-story can be found at Video Games Blogger.

News: Parenting Takes a Backseat

to ROCK 'N' ROLL! (or a reasonable facsimile thereof.)

Beedledy whaow!

A few weeks ago, one enterprising youth from Raleigh, North Carolina was able to convince his parents to let him drop out of school and pursue a career as a professional Guitar Hero competitive gamer.

I'll pause for a moment while that sinks in. And in case some of you, Dear Readers, are in shock—unable to speak—I'll read it again, inserting an inner monologue for your convenience.

A few weeks ago, one enterprising youth from Raleigh, North Carolina was able to convince his parents (HIS WATERBRAINED, PREMATURELY-SENILE, DRUG-ADDLED PARENTS—SO UNFIT TO RAISE A CHILD THAT I FEAR THEY POSSESS NOT EVEN THE STRENGTH TO RAISE THE ROD WITH WHICH TO STRIKE HIM) to let him drop out of school and pursue a career (HOLD ON... Career: -noun- an occupation or profession, esp. one requiring special training, followed as one's lifework. RIGHT , THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT IT MEANT) as a professional Guitar Hero competitive gamer. (INSERT STRING OF *&^#$*$* CARTOON EXPLETIVES HERE)

And fine, there are professional gamers that make a living doing this. There is a skill in the mastery of a specific rule set - like chess, or chess. This set of rules belongs to video games. Fine. I dub thee "acceptable." There's just one problem. This kid is not that good. He's taken home a total of about $1000, a number that includes free Chick Fil A sandwiches. And that's certainly not good enough to do it full time while being home-schooled. (read: stripped of all viable social skills, doomed to date your cousin, etc, etc.)

Green-Green-Red-Green...Green-Green-Red-Green....ORANGE!

Another problem I have with this story is that it's lazily cobbled together, as illustrated by this quote from the journalistic giants at North Carolina News Observer:

"It's pretty sick," says Andrew Gambling, 27, who describes himself as a casual player. "He's talented."

Talented. This is the best quote they could get? One can only hope that it was due to their deadline, looming like a drunken clown at a children's birthday party, that newsobserver.com was forced to cut some other choice quotes from the final edition, like these!

"Dude, I don't know how he does it. " says Gabe Featherton. "It's like he's sitting at home playing Guitar Hero all day, or something."

"I mean, I don't know. It's cool, I guess." says Kara Lottaboudit. "Can I go now?"

Blake's former girlfriend, Lisa Catera, had a different perspective, however. "He spent more time fingering that plastic guitar than he did [hanging out with] me, that's for sure."

The full (but too brief to really be considered full,) story can be found here.

In place of songs...

Music News from the Front!

Forgive us, dear citizen. The daily tribulations of battle management, supply coordination and ration... rationing - has taken its toll on all of us here at DemoWAR HQ. In the interim, I deliver two items of sonic importance which could not go unreported:

David Byrne and Brian Eno plan new album and tour!

From thedailyswarm:

The dream art-rock team of David Byrne and Brian Eno will return with new, strange fruit soon, the former Talking Heads man told NME recently. Speaking at an event in New York, Byrne revealed that the duo had rekindled the relationship they formed in the late 70s/early 80s which resulted in three Talking Heads records and 1981’s classic My Life in the Bush of Ghosts.

Full story here: Byrne/Eno Reuniting

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The most unwanted song = 25 minutes of unlistenability

Yes, that is a word. A crew of musical pioneers got together and polled listeners to find out the most unappealing aspects of music. This, of course, led them to assemble a 25-minute long holiday composition combining ALL of these detestable ingredients. The closest thing I can compare this to is David Allen Coe's sublimely irritating You Never Even Call Me By My Name, in which he codifies what makes a "perfect country & western song." (Considered by some to be the most unappealing aspect of music.)

Full story (and link to song badness) here.

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Both stories thanks to boingboing, a superb collection of design/music/electronic rights items. Visit them during your next lights out! Rest easy, troops. The calvary is on the way with four (4!) new bits of audio shrapnel to rout the enemy. Stay tuned!