Technology: The Future is NOW

Gather round, troops. It's time for our Biannual FutureTown Round-Up. (of the future!) Technically this is the first one, but with my new future-seeing abilities, I anticipate another one in the near, ah... future. I've been meaning to start some new traditions around here, anyway. So Biannual it is!

Now please join me in taking a moment to honor these innovators who, for lack of a day job, pushed the envelope in musical development. (of the future!) Technology pioneers who not only lived on the edge, but promptly fell off of it. These instruments are lovingly crafted, and recently fangled. Click through the photos for Wired's original article.

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1. Overtone Violin (of the future!)

Dear Overtone Violin, I stumbled upon your eHarmony profile, and I must say...you had me at "Sonar Sensor." Also, again at Sonar Sensor 2. But then Button Matrix? Video Camera? Bottom Control? I think we're moving a little fast here.


Plus, I'm a bit concerned about this "tech-sessory fetish" you mention, illustrated by your fingerless lycra glove. With velcro. And some sort of USB cable just kind of tacked on there. I know Lawnmower Man. And you, sir, are no Lawnmower Man.

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#2: Boing Boing (of the future!)

This litle gizmo is described as:

"...producing sounds such as bounces, collisions, trembles, shudders and shakes."

Sounds like Scott Weiland is out of rehab again. Heeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyy*

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#3: Beamz (of the future!)

Immediately, points lost for including a "Z" in an attempt to tug on our futuristic laser-strings. Secondly, Laser Strings! Lastly, it's a clear patent infringment on Nintendo's U-Force from 1989 (and yes, I looked that up, but it was a mere formality.)

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So that's it. Buy one of these crazy gadgets, then break it and see what oozes out. My guess? Very little magic.

*yo.

Technology: Binaural Beats

Not a day goes by without some slick salesman (or greasy sales-woman!) offering a new solution in a box. Solution for what, you ask? Oh, anything, really. Being overweight, being forgetful, being gullible. Most importantly, being willing to do nothing at all to get better. Beyond typing in your credit card, that is.

Have you ever found yourself saying, "Hey stupid! I need to find a catch-all, cure-all, do-all that works without all that work!" Well, get on your knees and thank your own personal Jesus, because we've finally got some snake oil you don't even have to swallow!

Introducing "Binaural Beats", a technology guaranteed* to sharpen your mind, ease depression, quell PMS, cure alcoholism, and ease depression brought on by a sharpened mind, PMS, or alcoholism. For the uninitiated, Binaural Beats are the vibrations, or "beats", that you hear when there are two frequencies that are very close to one another being played simultaneously. Other names for this phenomenon include "tuning your guitar" and "Jesus, Matt, get a friggin tuner already!"

Seriously, Matt.

Though knowledge of binaural "beats" has been around since the 1830s, it's taken seventy years for the fine hucksters of The Internet to exploit it for us. Frequencies are available from one such vendor, www.i-Dose.us (yes, a dot-us web address) for their mood-altering benefits - relaxation, alertness, etc. Meanwhile, a competing outfit, i-doser.com (note the "r") specializes in tones of a more... narcotic nature. The nice thing about these "doses" is that they combine all of the risks of buying drugs—sketchy transaction, no guaranteed effects, low return on investment—without all those nasty benefits.

And the comma-laden disclaimer at i-doser is quick to remind you of that.

"I-Doser makes no medical, psychological, physical, or otherwise, claims to the effectiveness of the I-Doser Application, Simulation CDs and MP3s, or it’s included or purchased doses..."

Once again, marketing goons have taken it upon themselves to try and make money off of a scientist's findings that Things Occur Between Two Objects, Probably. (The old TOBTOP theory.)

An actual scientist witnessing the TOBTOP effect.

In related news**, someone took the time to coin the term Cocktail Party Effect, the incredible phenomenon that happens when someone is talking to you and you are listening to them. I shouldn't joke, because this is something I actually have trouble with, as illustrated in this strangely accurate, hardly invented scenario:

A: "Dowd, can I get you another drink?"

B: "Hm?"

A: "I said, would you like another?"

B: "Hm, I doubt it. He doesn't look like my brother... And now that I look a little closer, it's a girl."

A: "I say, do you think we have TIME for another ROUND?"

B:"Well, I hardly think that'll be necessary. She's still alive, you know. Can't go putting people in the ground while they're still alive. It's uncouth."

A: "... "

B: "...not to mention the fact that it's difficult. Sure, the mass graves are easy, but you've seen those zombie movies. They fight back, the buggers."

A: "Fine, I'll be right back."

B: "They sure do."

-Thanks to the Jerusalem Post for bringing this to our attention. Full story here.

*Guarantee valid for store credit only.
**Barely.

Technology: Discomfort Through Sound

Well it seems the boys in the lab have been busy cooking up some new forms of warfare.

...Finally! Honestly, how much longer do they expect us to deal in lead, anyway? It's antiquated. If I could look back in time, I would see a family of cavemen eating still-frozen dinners and waving their guns around; grunting angrily while their boring cave-aunt and cave-uncle show slides from their vacation outside the cave. Guns are old news, and it's time to move on.

Fortunately, I just found this sales brochure in the DemoWAR inbox:

Today's modern warrior is faced with more challenges than ever before. Picture this: You fight your way through jungles, deserts, and/or legions of infidels. You hurdle claymore mines and dodged enemy sniper fire. You wail a lonely wail while a brother* lay in your arms, gasping his last breath and longing to see his wife back home just one... last... time. (sniff)

After a long day on the field, do you want to find yourself face to face with the business end of a hardened bunker? Well no more! Now, with the aid of BowelCorp's new Acoustic Bazooka™, enemy personnel will bow down in fear and discomfort as you bombard them with swaths of friendly IBM radiation. [patent pending]

Cross-section of simulated encounter

"IBM" is a proprietary, non-lethal warfare technology capable of incapacitating multiple opponents at a time by causing dizziness, nausea and triggering lower GI functions. Affected enemies will be down for the count, or at least as long as it takes to find a clean uniform.

Our design team paid careful attention to the directional layout of the weapon, ensuring that no ill effects will be experienced by the user. As a precaution, however, ultra/infra-canceling earphones are affixed to the absorbent belt pack, guaranteeing the freedom you need to be active and independent.

Call today for pricing, or find an Acoustic Bazooka™ retailer near you!

*BowelCorp accepts no responsibility for brothers lost, mangled or otherwise misplaced in the line of duty.

To be honest, I stopped reading after "non-lethal." But this pamphlet raises a few questions. The easy questions are, "Just how hardened is this bunker, if there's a huge, jagged hole in its face? Couldn't we just toss a grenade in there and be done with it?"

The more challenging questions are along the lines of, "What gorram planet are we on, fighting Blue Target Blobs (BTBs) who are fueled by symbiotic human hosts?" And, "In the future, is one person in charge of color-coordinating uniforms and weapons, or is it more of a concerted effort?"

Alas, this gun is but a prototype, and my efforts to find a working version have been met with reactions ranging from "Chya?!" to "I see..." (eyes narrow, button is discreetly pressed, security guards arrive brusquely.) My faith in technology, progress, and the whole of mankind is temporarily shaken, and as I rest my head on my trusty ammo box, I flip a 30-06 cartridge across the back of my hand until sleep comes. My dreams are filled with the sound of rifles, mortars, and RPGs firing in 3/4 time.

Thanks to Wired for the original article, found here.