Friday, September 26, 2008

Plastic Guitar UPDATE

Okay, this "Update" thing is not going to become a habit. This space is reserved for recorded music and the practitioners thereof, and is not going to become a bastion for clicka-clicka-clicka-ing kids who wouldn't know a whammy bar from a whammy pedal.

Except sometimes things are too ridiculous to ignore.
Girly guitars. Pox on our fair nation, or a mere embarrassing offense? Wait - it sounds like we can have both on this one. And these are plastic girly guitars, so they don't even have the saving grace of making real music. These are new Guitar Hero/Rock Band guitars from these idiots, and like everything else made for little girls in a little guy's world, they are hideous.

Now I know some things about girls. I know two things about them, in fact, and here they are:

1. Girls like pink
2. Girls like other things, too.
That's the intel I'm working with, and they both seem like pretty iron-clad assumptions. Now the problem with marketing people (and video game marketers in particular,) is that they've lost the second half of the list. They assume that girls only like girly things , and that's dangerous. I'll take a second to illustrate by showing you the opposite end of the spectrum.
Behold: the pinnacle of Mantastic Enterprise's demographic research. What stands before you is the toughest, manliest, race-car driving-est, tire-squealing-est, rockin-est, humbucking-est piece of badassery ever assembled. Yes sir, you can shift gears mid-solo, and it's even got a speedometer so you can see how fast you're SHREDDING! Lost your place in a song, you say? No problem - just use the handy, color-coded notes inlaid on the fretboard. Or better yet, distract the crowd with plumes of exhaust from the set of scorching-hot chrome pipes!
Actually, do you know where I could get one of these?

Exactly. Even Ace Frehley would be offended. Part of the problem is that girls are multi-faceted and toy companies forget that. Despite enjoying a variety of things—like the humans they are—they keep getting fed the same old pink/purple/teardrop/heart-shaped bullshit by executives who think it's what they want.

I've seen women in the DemoWAR army wearing pink, only it's been scuffed, scratched, and smeared with space dust from whatever moon their battle took place on that week. Either that, or they've liberally applied a paint called Foe Spludge™, this rudimentary paste made from the jugulal spray of a downed opponent and whatever indigenous berries they can find. It's your basic intimidation tactic, like a Vietnam Ear Necklace or a picket fence topped with trick-or-treaters' heads. Even then, as far as pinks go Spludge is more of an mulberry than say....fuchsia.

But really, what do you think is really going to encourage young girls to play guitar and be bigger and badder than their predecessors?


For the record, there is only one "Girly Guitar" that is allowed here at DemoWAR HQ. And if your stomach feels especially strong after that, the full, genderly-embarrassing girly-story can be found at Video Games Blogger.

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