Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Technology: Discomfort Through Sound

Well it seems the boys in the lab have been busy cooking up some new forms of warfare.

...Finally! Honestly, how much longer do they expect us to deal in lead, anyway? It's antiquated. If I could look back in time, I would see a family of cavemen eating still-frozen dinners and waving their guns around; grunting angrily while their boring cave-aunt and cave-uncle show slides from their vacation outside the cave. Guns are old news, and it's time to move on.

Fortunately, I just found this sales brochure in the DemoWAR inbox:

Today's modern warrior is faced with more challenges than ever before. Picture this: You fight your way through jungles, deserts, and/or legions of infidels. You hurdle claymore mines and dodged enemy sniper fire. You wail a lonely wail while a brother* lay in your arms, gasping his last breath and longing to see his wife back home just one... last... time. (sniff)

After a long day on the field, do you want to find yourself face to face with the business end of a hardened bunker? Well no more! Now, with the aid of BowelCorp's new Acoustic Bazooka™, enemy personnel will bow down in fear and discomfort as you bombard them with swaths of friendly IBM radiation. [patent pending]

Cross-section of simulated encounter
"IBM" is a proprietary, non-lethal warfare technology capable of incapacitating multiple opponents at a time by causing dizziness, nausea and triggering lower GI functions. Affected enemies will be down for the count, or at least as long as it takes to find a clean uniform.

Our design team paid careful attention to the directional layout of the weapon, ensuring that no ill effects will be experienced by the user. As a precaution, however, ultra/infra-canceling earphones are affixed to the absorbent belt pack, guaranteeing the freedom you need to be active and independent.

Call today for pricing, or find an Acoustic Bazooka™ retailer near you!
*BowelCorp accepts no responsibility for brothers lost, mangled or otherwise misplaced in the line of duty.
To be honest, I stopped reading after "non-lethal." But this pamphlet raises a few questions. The easy questions are, "Just how hardened is this bunker, if there's a huge, jagged hole in its face? Couldn't we just toss a grenade in there and be done with it?"

The more challenging questions are along the lines of, "What gorram planet are we on, fighting Blue Target Blobs (BTBs) who are fueled by symbiotic human hosts?" And, "In the future, is one person in charge of color-coordinating uniforms and weapons, or is it more of a concerted effort?"

Alas, this gun is but a prototype, and my efforts to find a working version have been met with reactions ranging from "Chya?!" to "I see..." (eyes narrow, button is discreetly pressed, security guards arrive brusquely.) My faith in technology, progress, and the whole of mankind is temporarily shaken, and as I rest my head on my trusty ammo box, I flip a 30-06 cartridge across the back of my hand until sleep comes. My dreams are filled with the sound of rifles, mortars, and RPGs firing in 3/4 time.

Thanks to Wired for the original article, found here.

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